August 7, 2001
Author Anne Lamott writes about her life, easily admitting her quirks, foibles and bad attitudes. Before hearing her speak at a writers conference, I sat with some people who discussed her style. They clearly thought she is a misfit who reveals far more of her sins than she ought.
Sometimes a close-up confession from another person embarrasses us. While we might hope for friends that are perfect (or at least only slightly flawed), it takes time and a well-developed relationship to accept and understand someone’s darker secrets.
If a stranger tells us too much, we might wince, excuse ourselves, and leave. We don’t want to hear that they lied or stole something or considered murdering their mother or took drugs when they were teenagers. When someone dumps those kinds of things on us, we feel used, like a garbage can.
Everyone wants intimacy with family and friends but how should we react when someone reveals their dirt? What do they want from us? Absolution? Or a pat on the back and a patronizing, “I’m sure you are making it sound much worse than it is.”
My sister tells about confessing to a prayer group that she was not as faithful to God as she would like to be. They said, “Oh, no, not you, you’re okay.” They would not allow her confession and tried to convince her that she was wrong to think that way, never mind say it.
Nevertheless, saying it can be powerful. P. D. James’ mystery story “Innocent Blood” said it. When I finished reading it, I felt as if I had heard the confessions of humanity. The people in the story were fictional yet so real. I knew everything about them. While some goodness showed through (after all, we are made in the image of God), the dark side was revealed in such a way that I wept at the pitiful condition of human beings who are without love or hope.
In contrast, I’ve read a nonfiction book about real people but it tells only their virtue. The story is completely unbelievable because the people are phoney. I could not identify with their perfection. Who can? But when a writer like P. D. James depicts the best and worst in her characters, the story reaches right into our hearts. These fictional people are like us. We see our own best and realize our very worst. We are undone.
That is one reason God asks us to be honest. Certainly confession is necessary for forgiveness but confession also encourages integrity. Those who hear it find it easier to admit that they are often weak also, and prone to sin. An honest confession helps us know we are not alone in our struggle with evil thoughts, words and deeds.
The Bible says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Without confession, there is no forgiveness, no healing, no change. In fact, Scripture also says, “He who covers his sin will not prosper.”
Anne Lamott is a Christian who knows that her goodness comes from the Lord. She is made in His image and being renewed in the image of His Son. Yet she does not boast about herself.
I asked the group who criticized her honesty how could a person write about their own virtue. No one answered. To their credit, they realized that bragging and pride need far more criticism than does humility and integrity.
Showing posts with label intimacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label intimacy. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Friday, March 9, 2018
A ‘joint journal’ and intimacy ............. Parables 713
April 24, 2001
For the past few weeks, my husband has been working two days in Calgary, two days at Scotford and one day in Fort McMurray. When he comes home, he catches up on chores and spends time with me and our family. This week we returned late Tuesday night from a short vacation. He left early Wednesday for Calgary, was home tonight for supper, then caught a plane north after dessert. I teased him that I know he’s been home when I check for dirty socks in the hamper.
Obviously, we don’t have much time for deep discussions yet despite that lack of time, we do have things to talk about. I think of important or personal things to say to him but often forget what they were by the time he gets home. He has the same experience. Also, when he arrives he is often very tired from a long day of both working and driving. Yet rather than let our conversations deteriorate to hockey scores and the latest weather report, we decided to do something about it.
An idea came from an article in a writers’ magazine penned by a mother who shared a journal with her daughter. They took turns writing in it, but avoided diary notations. Instead, they recorded their feelings and struggles about being a mom or a growing girl, the conflicts they faced, and even what they liked or didn’t like about one another’s decisions. As the girl grew to womanhood, both she and her mother found themselves able to communicate on a much deeper level than do many other mother-daughter combinations. This unique form of communication created a strong and lasting bond.
Even though I’m the ‘writer’ and he doesn’t think he is, Bob and I thought this would work for us. We selected a lined notebook and call it our “joint journal.” Besides using this journal to express those fleeting thoughts, we are learning to say what is very deep in our hearts. In these “ink chats,” topics often come up that might not otherwise surface.
This communication requires rules. One is that we do not criticize what the other says. We also reject all small talk. Third, this journal is about us, not our kids, the church, the neighbors or anything else. Whoever is in possession of the book writes something before putting it on the other person’s desk.
Right away we noticed an increased sense of intimacy. Intimacy is important. Everyone wants to deeply know someone and be deeply known. For it to happen, there obviously must be communication but intimacy is more than talking. Intimacy also requires personal revelation. But personal revelation does not happen without trust. Who can say anything about themselves or how they feel if they are afraid of being shot down? Everyone wants to be accepted as well as be heard.
The need to be heard, understood and accepted is universal, and while we do the best we can, no one can fully satisfy those needs the same way God can. He knows all about us. In fact, the psalmist says He “perceives my thoughts from afar . . . and before a word is on my tongue, He knows it completely.”
God understands our quirks, foibles and darkest secrets yet He is kind and merciful when others might be harsh or judgmental. He listens and accepts our honest revelations of ourselves, and is “faithful to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” No human friend or lover can do that either.
God also makes Himself known. He reveals who He is through the pages of His book and the life of His Son. We see Him in creation and in His people. His willingness to expose who He is and how much He loves us became fully apparent when He allowed His enemies to nail Him to a cross for the sins they (and we) committed.
Someone once told us that if two people draw closer to God they will also draw closer to each other. How true . . . and for some, having a joint journal simply adds icing to the cake.
For the past few weeks, my husband has been working two days in Calgary, two days at Scotford and one day in Fort McMurray. When he comes home, he catches up on chores and spends time with me and our family. This week we returned late Tuesday night from a short vacation. He left early Wednesday for Calgary, was home tonight for supper, then caught a plane north after dessert. I teased him that I know he’s been home when I check for dirty socks in the hamper.
Obviously, we don’t have much time for deep discussions yet despite that lack of time, we do have things to talk about. I think of important or personal things to say to him but often forget what they were by the time he gets home. He has the same experience. Also, when he arrives he is often very tired from a long day of both working and driving. Yet rather than let our conversations deteriorate to hockey scores and the latest weather report, we decided to do something about it.
An idea came from an article in a writers’ magazine penned by a mother who shared a journal with her daughter. They took turns writing in it, but avoided diary notations. Instead, they recorded their feelings and struggles about being a mom or a growing girl, the conflicts they faced, and even what they liked or didn’t like about one another’s decisions. As the girl grew to womanhood, both she and her mother found themselves able to communicate on a much deeper level than do many other mother-daughter combinations. This unique form of communication created a strong and lasting bond.
Even though I’m the ‘writer’ and he doesn’t think he is, Bob and I thought this would work for us. We selected a lined notebook and call it our “joint journal.” Besides using this journal to express those fleeting thoughts, we are learning to say what is very deep in our hearts. In these “ink chats,” topics often come up that might not otherwise surface.
This communication requires rules. One is that we do not criticize what the other says. We also reject all small talk. Third, this journal is about us, not our kids, the church, the neighbors or anything else. Whoever is in possession of the book writes something before putting it on the other person’s desk.
Right away we noticed an increased sense of intimacy. Intimacy is important. Everyone wants to deeply know someone and be deeply known. For it to happen, there obviously must be communication but intimacy is more than talking. Intimacy also requires personal revelation. But personal revelation does not happen without trust. Who can say anything about themselves or how they feel if they are afraid of being shot down? Everyone wants to be accepted as well as be heard.
The need to be heard, understood and accepted is universal, and while we do the best we can, no one can fully satisfy those needs the same way God can. He knows all about us. In fact, the psalmist says He “perceives my thoughts from afar . . . and before a word is on my tongue, He knows it completely.”
God understands our quirks, foibles and darkest secrets yet He is kind and merciful when others might be harsh or judgmental. He listens and accepts our honest revelations of ourselves, and is “faithful to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” No human friend or lover can do that either.
God also makes Himself known. He reveals who He is through the pages of His book and the life of His Son. We see Him in creation and in His people. His willingness to expose who He is and how much He loves us became fully apparent when He allowed His enemies to nail Him to a cross for the sins they (and we) committed.
Someone once told us that if two people draw closer to God they will also draw closer to each other. How true . . . and for some, having a joint journal simply adds icing to the cake.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Ultimate communication .......... Parables 625
March 9, 1999
Electronic mail has revolutionized business and personal communication. With a computer and modem, anyone can send messages around the world in minutes, even make and cultivate friendships in cyberspace.
However, e-mail has the same annoyances as regular mail. Total strangers somehow get my address and send me Spam or unwanted advertising — electronic junk mail. Occasionally, I get chain letters too. “If you make ten copies of this and send it on to ten friends...”
Yikes, I have enough to do. I use this technology when I want to say a few words without feeling guilty that I didn’t have time to write fourteen pages.
Carnegie Melton University in Pittsburgh researched people who spend far more time in cyberspace than I do. According to their data, the more that people use e-mail, chat rooms and discussion groups, the more depressed, stressed and lonely they feel. They also add that being on-line replaces time people should spend building deeper relationships with family and friends.
In my limited experience, electronic discussions, no matter how intimate they seem, do not reach true intimacy. Impressions easily created in mere words fall flat in face-to-face relationships. With e-mail, it is easy to fake who you are and how you feel. Even regular mail and the telephone fail the intimacy test. To pass, we need to look into each other’s eyes.
The Bible says the eye is the lamp of the body. Philosophers say it is the window to the soul. Ordinary people know that the look in someone’s eye can tell them a great deal about that person’s heart and mind.
At least that is true for human relationships. It simply does not apply to the ultimate cyberspace communication — prayer. We do not have to look into the eyes of God to get close to Him. We just talk or even think and God knows exactly what we are trying to communicate. He speaks back through the Bible or sometimes without words into our minds — and we hear Him. We know who is speaking and we grow deeper in our relationship with Him.
I am amazed how we can fool each other with the best of technology yet our hearts are open to God using none whatsoever. It is as the psalmist wrote, “O Lord, You have searched me and You know me. . . . Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord.”
Spoken or written prayers help us express ourselves to Him but His understanding goes deeper than what we say. He knows what we really mean and how we really feel before we even tell Him. Not even our closest friends can do that with the same accuracy.
Actually, prayer is not really cyberspace communication. The Bible says if we put our faith in Christ, He comes to live in our hearts. We are “a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in us, whom we received from God.” Our messages do not have to go from ‘server to server’ around the universe searching for His address because He is right here with us. Nothing could be quicker.
Further, going on-line with God doesn’t require a modem or computer. Anyone can do it anywhere and anytime, without any costs and in any language. No one has to learn how to type on a keyboard or open any software. Nothing could be easier.
If spending too much time online makes people lonely, prayer has the opposite effect. Consider evangelist Billy Graham’s definition of loneliness. He says it is the way we feel when God is calling us to spend time with Him. When we do that, we are filled not emptied.
These days, I’m beginning to wish I could get paid to read and respond to e-mail but when I pray, there is no sense of lost or wasted time. God never sends Spam or junk mail, only peace and a sense of being with Him.
Electronic mail has revolutionized business and personal communication. With a computer and modem, anyone can send messages around the world in minutes, even make and cultivate friendships in cyberspace.
However, e-mail has the same annoyances as regular mail. Total strangers somehow get my address and send me Spam or unwanted advertising — electronic junk mail. Occasionally, I get chain letters too. “If you make ten copies of this and send it on to ten friends...”
Yikes, I have enough to do. I use this technology when I want to say a few words without feeling guilty that I didn’t have time to write fourteen pages.
Carnegie Melton University in Pittsburgh researched people who spend far more time in cyberspace than I do. According to their data, the more that people use e-mail, chat rooms and discussion groups, the more depressed, stressed and lonely they feel. They also add that being on-line replaces time people should spend building deeper relationships with family and friends.
In my limited experience, electronic discussions, no matter how intimate they seem, do not reach true intimacy. Impressions easily created in mere words fall flat in face-to-face relationships. With e-mail, it is easy to fake who you are and how you feel. Even regular mail and the telephone fail the intimacy test. To pass, we need to look into each other’s eyes.
The Bible says the eye is the lamp of the body. Philosophers say it is the window to the soul. Ordinary people know that the look in someone’s eye can tell them a great deal about that person’s heart and mind.
At least that is true for human relationships. It simply does not apply to the ultimate cyberspace communication — prayer. We do not have to look into the eyes of God to get close to Him. We just talk or even think and God knows exactly what we are trying to communicate. He speaks back through the Bible or sometimes without words into our minds — and we hear Him. We know who is speaking and we grow deeper in our relationship with Him.
I am amazed how we can fool each other with the best of technology yet our hearts are open to God using none whatsoever. It is as the psalmist wrote, “O Lord, You have searched me and You know me. . . . Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord.”
Spoken or written prayers help us express ourselves to Him but His understanding goes deeper than what we say. He knows what we really mean and how we really feel before we even tell Him. Not even our closest friends can do that with the same accuracy.
Actually, prayer is not really cyberspace communication. The Bible says if we put our faith in Christ, He comes to live in our hearts. We are “a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in us, whom we received from God.” Our messages do not have to go from ‘server to server’ around the universe searching for His address because He is right here with us. Nothing could be quicker.
Further, going on-line with God doesn’t require a modem or computer. Anyone can do it anywhere and anytime, without any costs and in any language. No one has to learn how to type on a keyboard or open any software. Nothing could be easier.
If spending too much time online makes people lonely, prayer has the opposite effect. Consider evangelist Billy Graham’s definition of loneliness. He says it is the way we feel when God is calling us to spend time with Him. When we do that, we are filled not emptied.
These days, I’m beginning to wish I could get paid to read and respond to e-mail but when I pray, there is no sense of lost or wasted time. God never sends Spam or junk mail, only peace and a sense of being with Him.
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