August 7, 2001
Author Anne Lamott writes about her life, easily admitting her quirks, foibles and bad attitudes. Before hearing her speak at a writers conference, I sat with some people who discussed her style. They clearly thought she is a misfit who reveals far more of her sins than she ought.
Sometimes a close-up confession from another person embarrasses us. While we might hope for friends that are perfect (or at least only slightly flawed), it takes time and a well-developed relationship to accept and understand someone’s darker secrets.
If a stranger tells us too much, we might wince, excuse ourselves, and leave. We don’t want to hear that they lied or stole something or considered murdering their mother or took drugs when they were teenagers. When someone dumps those kinds of things on us, we feel used, like a garbage can.
Everyone wants intimacy with family and friends but how should we react when someone reveals their dirt? What do they want from us? Absolution? Or a pat on the back and a patronizing, “I’m sure you are making it sound much worse than it is.”
My sister tells about confessing to a prayer group that she was not as faithful to God as she would like to be. They said, “Oh, no, not you, you’re okay.” They would not allow her confession and tried to convince her that she was wrong to think that way, never mind say it.
Nevertheless, saying it can be powerful. P. D. James’ mystery story “Innocent Blood” said it. When I finished reading it, I felt as if I had heard the confessions of humanity. The people in the story were fictional yet so real. I knew everything about them. While some goodness showed through (after all, we are made in the image of God), the dark side was revealed in such a way that I wept at the pitiful condition of human beings who are without love or hope.
In contrast, I’ve read a nonfiction book about real people but it tells only their virtue. The story is completely unbelievable because the people are phoney. I could not identify with their perfection. Who can? But when a writer like P. D. James depicts the best and worst in her characters, the story reaches right into our hearts. These fictional people are like us. We see our own best and realize our very worst. We are undone.
That is one reason God asks us to be honest. Certainly confession is necessary for forgiveness but confession also encourages integrity. Those who hear it find it easier to admit that they are often weak also, and prone to sin. An honest confession helps us know we are not alone in our struggle with evil thoughts, words and deeds.
The Bible says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Without confession, there is no forgiveness, no healing, no change. In fact, Scripture also says, “He who covers his sin will not prosper.”
Anne Lamott is a Christian who knows that her goodness comes from the Lord. She is made in His image and being renewed in the image of His Son. Yet she does not boast about herself.
I asked the group who criticized her honesty how could a person write about their own virtue. No one answered. To their credit, they realized that bragging and pride need far more criticism than does humility and integrity.
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Monday, January 30, 2017
Abuse and feelings of guilt .......... Parables 543
January 21, 1997?
Events of the past few weeks shock and sadden sports fans as one player after another confesses to being a victim of abuse. Counseling services report this is only the beginning.
As sport organizers work to put structures in place that may help prevent future occurrences, they are also concerned that pain-filled victims are properly treated. We know they do need to come forward and acknowledge their ugly memories to someone who can help them. The goal is not to sensationalize their situation but that healing may begin. While most realize healing requires more than telling someone, saying it out loud is the first step.
Along with the pain of being a victim, abused people often feel guilty. Some argue it is a false guilt because these people were not willing participants so they should not feel guilty. On the other hand, a person unfamiliar with the power of emotional and psychological manipulation might suggest that “victims” have will of their own and should have said “no.”
Whether or not that is true is not for us to judge. However, even there is some truth in it, the principle of “telling someone” works for real and false guilt as well as for healing emotional damage.
If the problems were purely physical ailments such as coughing blood, or dizzy spells, or constant knee pain, few people would insist that they are not sick. To do so practically guarantees they will remain unhealthy. Unless we acknowledge something is wrong, we cannot or will not take steps to make it right.
If the pain is emotional, acknowledgment is also vital. If I am angry and someone asks me about it, the way to ensure continued pain is by snapping, “I’m not mad.” However, if I want to change my emotional state, I need to admit it exists, to own it.
This principle is important for crisis counseling. An emotionally upset person has difficulty thinking clearly and making decisions. A wise counselor will defuse those emotions by helping the upset person say, or own up to, how he or she feels. Often just expressing emotions robs them of much of their power.
Guilt works in a similar way. For instance, if the speed limit is 90 kph and I drive 120 kph, I am guilty of exceeding the speed limit. It does not matter if I make an excuse or claim extenuating circumstances or did not notice I was speeding. Being ignorant of the law or its violation does not change the facts. I drove over the limit and am therefore guilty. Admitting it is the first step toward an end to that problem.
Moral guilt usually means breaking the laws of God. For example, God says I must not covet or want something that rightfully does not or cannot belong to me. If I do, I have broken the law of God. As long as I will not admit it, there is no hope of change and the act of coveting will begin to damage me and other people.
That is why the Bible says, “He who covers his sin shall not prosper.” In the case of coveting, I could obsessed with the forbidden thing, even to my ruin. I would be far better to face the fact of my guilt and admit the problem. When I do, God begins to heal me of my sin.
In some cases, a victimized person tells all to get even, to hurt the perpetrator, but those injured by emotional manipulation and sexual abuse often try to cover it up. They feel unclean, dirty, as if they were guilty themselves. Perhaps in such cases, rather than trying to assess those emotions or decide if those feelings of guilt are warranted, it would be better to simply confess they exist.
When we tell God about our feelings of guilt, He honors our honesty. He also knows the difference between true and false guilt so at the point of our telling, He offers us whatever we need.
Events of the past few weeks shock and sadden sports fans as one player after another confesses to being a victim of abuse. Counseling services report this is only the beginning.
As sport organizers work to put structures in place that may help prevent future occurrences, they are also concerned that pain-filled victims are properly treated. We know they do need to come forward and acknowledge their ugly memories to someone who can help them. The goal is not to sensationalize their situation but that healing may begin. While most realize healing requires more than telling someone, saying it out loud is the first step.
Along with the pain of being a victim, abused people often feel guilty. Some argue it is a false guilt because these people were not willing participants so they should not feel guilty. On the other hand, a person unfamiliar with the power of emotional and psychological manipulation might suggest that “victims” have will of their own and should have said “no.”
Whether or not that is true is not for us to judge. However, even there is some truth in it, the principle of “telling someone” works for real and false guilt as well as for healing emotional damage.
If the problems were purely physical ailments such as coughing blood, or dizzy spells, or constant knee pain, few people would insist that they are not sick. To do so practically guarantees they will remain unhealthy. Unless we acknowledge something is wrong, we cannot or will not take steps to make it right.
If the pain is emotional, acknowledgment is also vital. If I am angry and someone asks me about it, the way to ensure continued pain is by snapping, “I’m not mad.” However, if I want to change my emotional state, I need to admit it exists, to own it.
This principle is important for crisis counseling. An emotionally upset person has difficulty thinking clearly and making decisions. A wise counselor will defuse those emotions by helping the upset person say, or own up to, how he or she feels. Often just expressing emotions robs them of much of their power.
Guilt works in a similar way. For instance, if the speed limit is 90 kph and I drive 120 kph, I am guilty of exceeding the speed limit. It does not matter if I make an excuse or claim extenuating circumstances or did not notice I was speeding. Being ignorant of the law or its violation does not change the facts. I drove over the limit and am therefore guilty. Admitting it is the first step toward an end to that problem.
Moral guilt usually means breaking the laws of God. For example, God says I must not covet or want something that rightfully does not or cannot belong to me. If I do, I have broken the law of God. As long as I will not admit it, there is no hope of change and the act of coveting will begin to damage me and other people.
That is why the Bible says, “He who covers his sin shall not prosper.” In the case of coveting, I could obsessed with the forbidden thing, even to my ruin. I would be far better to face the fact of my guilt and admit the problem. When I do, God begins to heal me of my sin.
In some cases, a victimized person tells all to get even, to hurt the perpetrator, but those injured by emotional manipulation and sexual abuse often try to cover it up. They feel unclean, dirty, as if they were guilty themselves. Perhaps in such cases, rather than trying to assess those emotions or decide if those feelings of guilt are warranted, it would be better to simply confess they exist.
When we tell God about our feelings of guilt, He honors our honesty. He also knows the difference between true and false guilt so at the point of our telling, He offers us whatever we need.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Hypocrisy .................................... Parables 067
As a Christian, I am keenly aware that the most prevalent criticism of the church is directed toward hypocrisy. While it hurts to think that many people have labeled everyone who calls themselves a Christian, sincere or not, as hypocrites; it hurts even more that the label is often appropriate.
Many times I have failed to practice what I preach, to really have my heart in my worship and service to God. Sometimes I do not feel like going to church or giving up my desires to serve the needs of others; and sometimes I find myself playing a role instead of admitting my faults.
At the same time, when I hear the critics, I want to defend us, to say, “You don’t know how difficult it is.” I want the critics to realize that being all that Christ has called us to be is an even higher goal than they have set for us, and our efforts to live His standard involves a continual battle, a battle that we sometimes lose.
But I have to catch myself in that defense. It is not valid. Being honest before God and before others is a basic foundation of our entrance into the family of God and of our walk with the Lord, once we are His. Jesus Christ was not soft on hypocrisy, neither can I be, whether it seeps into my life, or blights the church.
Jesus is sometimes pictured as a meek, loving person yet He scathed the religious people of His day with “Woe unto you, you whitewashed tombs full of dead men’s bones....” He saw through their “whitewashed” lives into their hearts - and there He saw the lies.
These religious people busily preached to others yet had no intentions of following their own commandments. They gave God lip-service but rebelled against Him in their hearts. They put heavy burdens on others but would not help them carry that load. They did their religious deeds to make a good impression and to have respect and position, but would not serve the needs of the people. They prayed long and pious prayers, yet robbed widows of all their substance. They declared that God’s kingdom was exclusive and hard to enter, giving little hope; yet they themselves did not even enter it. Instead, they looked long and hard for those they could indoctrinate into their system and then made them even worse hypocrites than themselves. (see Matthew 23) And Jesus made it clear, these hypocrites were not part of His family.
Does that mean that everyone who does not practice what they preach is not a Christian? It is possible, but Jesus also warned His disciples, “Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy.”
He went on to tell them that everything that was not visible now would someday be known, and words spoken in secret would some day be “proclaimed upon the housetops.” He told them not to fear men who could kill them for being honest, but fear God who has the power to cast (liars) into hell.
Jesus warned His followers because He knew that we also would have trouble with being honest, and with fears of “what will people think?”
In my efforts to please people, I have to admit that some of the time I do it because I fear their opinion of me. I want to make a good impression. That is the seeds of hypocrisy - and if I do not remember the words of my Lord and reject His power and His holiness, that seed will grow into a full-blown life of pretense, pretense that most people will see through anyway, never mind God, who searches the heart.
Jesus is the only one who can point his finger at those who pretend to be one thing and are really another without three fingers pointing back at Himself. He had no concern whatsoever what people thought. His sole goal was to do the will of the Father who sent Him. That attitude brought Him to a cross.
Maybe that is why so many who profess to be godly, refuse to live it out. We too easily fear the vulnerability that goes with honesty, and we fear those who say they want our honesty but may sing a different tune should that honesty interfere with their own lies.
Many times I have failed to practice what I preach, to really have my heart in my worship and service to God. Sometimes I do not feel like going to church or giving up my desires to serve the needs of others; and sometimes I find myself playing a role instead of admitting my faults.
At the same time, when I hear the critics, I want to defend us, to say, “You don’t know how difficult it is.” I want the critics to realize that being all that Christ has called us to be is an even higher goal than they have set for us, and our efforts to live His standard involves a continual battle, a battle that we sometimes lose.
But I have to catch myself in that defense. It is not valid. Being honest before God and before others is a basic foundation of our entrance into the family of God and of our walk with the Lord, once we are His. Jesus Christ was not soft on hypocrisy, neither can I be, whether it seeps into my life, or blights the church.
Jesus is sometimes pictured as a meek, loving person yet He scathed the religious people of His day with “Woe unto you, you whitewashed tombs full of dead men’s bones....” He saw through their “whitewashed” lives into their hearts - and there He saw the lies.
These religious people busily preached to others yet had no intentions of following their own commandments. They gave God lip-service but rebelled against Him in their hearts. They put heavy burdens on others but would not help them carry that load. They did their religious deeds to make a good impression and to have respect and position, but would not serve the needs of the people. They prayed long and pious prayers, yet robbed widows of all their substance. They declared that God’s kingdom was exclusive and hard to enter, giving little hope; yet they themselves did not even enter it. Instead, they looked long and hard for those they could indoctrinate into their system and then made them even worse hypocrites than themselves. (see Matthew 23) And Jesus made it clear, these hypocrites were not part of His family.
Does that mean that everyone who does not practice what they preach is not a Christian? It is possible, but Jesus also warned His disciples, “Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy.”
He went on to tell them that everything that was not visible now would someday be known, and words spoken in secret would some day be “proclaimed upon the housetops.” He told them not to fear men who could kill them for being honest, but fear God who has the power to cast (liars) into hell.
Jesus warned His followers because He knew that we also would have trouble with being honest, and with fears of “what will people think?”
In my efforts to please people, I have to admit that some of the time I do it because I fear their opinion of me. I want to make a good impression. That is the seeds of hypocrisy - and if I do not remember the words of my Lord and reject His power and His holiness, that seed will grow into a full-blown life of pretense, pretense that most people will see through anyway, never mind God, who searches the heart.
Jesus is the only one who can point his finger at those who pretend to be one thing and are really another without three fingers pointing back at Himself. He had no concern whatsoever what people thought. His sole goal was to do the will of the Father who sent Him. That attitude brought Him to a cross.
Maybe that is why so many who profess to be godly, refuse to live it out. We too easily fear the vulnerability that goes with honesty, and we fear those who say they want our honesty but may sing a different tune should that honesty interfere with their own lies.
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