July 25, 2000
We watch her weave a spell as she makes new friends. They are mesmerized by her stories. Every word she says captivates their attention. Little do they know that most of what she tells them is exaggerated and some are outright lies.
Getting to know this person showed me the power of our human need to be loved. In her case, she was not sure. Her mother had been married twice. She had been a pampered child but now in her teens, she was expected to drop the “cute stuff” and act more grown up. This seemed to make her insecure about her family’s affections. Did a change from being the center of attention to acting more “responsible” mean she was no longer loveable?
Driven by insecurity, this young woman becomes a story teller. She spins yarns that take her listeners out of their ordinary existence and makes her fantasies their fantasies — only they sound true. She may even believe her own lies, but that is unlikely.
We caught her a few times, mostly in the details. She mentioned swimming near a particular kind of shark, a variety we knew does not live in the waters where she swam. She told about meeting famous people, or about knowing skills she does not possess. When we questioned her details, she “adjusted” her story and kept right on spinning.
Our goal was convincing her that we love her, no matter what. After a few days, she relaxed. She also stopped telling stories. She seemed to realize that they were not necessary, at least around us.
Jesus met a woman who felt the same need for love and also looked for it in the wrong places. She’d been married five times and currently lived with someone. She seemed ostracized because she went alone during the noon hour for water when other women went early in the day. Perhaps she feared their condemnation.
When Jesus talked to her, she was amazed. Jews never talked to women or to her kind; she was a Samaritan (half-breed Jew and Gentile). Besides, she had a bad reputation and His was flawless.
Jesus wanted her to know that God loves her but how would He get past years of low self-esteem? Just speaking to her helped, but He also asked questions and persisted when she avoided straight answers. He told her He knew how many times she had been married and yet treated her with respect. She wanted to hear more.
He told her how to get living water, the kind that bubbles up into eternal life. She wanted that too. Amazed at this man and His good news, she dropped her water pot and ran to tell everyone in her village to come and hear Him for themselves.
God does love us. The Bible says “God demonstrates his own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
He didn’t wait until we cleaned up our act. In fact, He died for us before we were even born. He knew then that our lives would fall short of His glory. He also knew we would need proof that His love is based on what He is, not on what we are or do. We cannot pretend to be anything other than we are before God because we don’t need to.
Our part is to simply be honest, admit our short comings and fears, acknowledge our sins. His love is experienced by those who trust Him, believing He wants the best for us. We can see it first in the sacrifice made on the cross for our sakes.
Human love is a powerful force yet so often it produces dependance on our feelings or makes us objects for imperfect people who want us to measure up to their expectations. God’s love depends only on God and as long as He is God, that love is firm.
Showing posts with label self-esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-esteem. Show all posts
Monday, December 11, 2017
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Layers like an onion? .......... Parables 610
September 22, 1998
Health food advocates and most vitamin companies say artificial is not as good as natural. What about food? Artificial grapes often look better than real fruit, but no one eats plastic food. Silk flowers need little care but no one plants them in their garden. Astro-turf never needs mowing but few people put it on their front yard. What about sports or jewels? Links on the computer is fun but my muscles get a better workout on a real golf course. Costume jewelry is nice but cannot beat real pearls and diamonds. We want the “real thing,” whether it is jewelry, a game, flowers, grass or food.
Most of us like real people too. ‘Artificial’ could mean wax museum dummies, but we usually use that term for folks who, for one reason or another, have difficulty being themselves. They are aloof, closed, hard to get to know.
Related to that, Christian psychologist Larry Crabbe says we are like onions. We cover our real selves with layers because we are afraid others will reject us if they see what we are really like. We protecting our inner selves because we sense that peeling off our layers could bring tears.
As an example of a layer, Crabbe uses shyness. He says under this external behavior is a person who is afraid that self-expression will bring rejection or ridicule. For them, being shy is a better quality than being wrong or thought silly, so they covers their fears with shyness.
Most of us do not admit or even realize we use layers as protection for our self-esteem. For me, it is boasting or over-involving myself in something that I am good at — to draw attention to my good points. If those layers do not work, I might try retreating, or talking about someone else as a cover, anything to keep people from noticing my shortcomings.
Sometimes we are not as inadequate as we suppose. Besides, people as more accepting than we think they will be. However, there are occasions when we really are inadequate or have done something foolish or wrong. It is far more difficult to admit it than to hide under excuses, blame-shifting, or a lifestyle that belies our burdened conscience.
Whether from real guilt or imagined inadequacy, these layers can become very thick. When that happens to me, I notice my ability to relate to others drops to superficiality. At that point, I need God more than ever; He is an onion-peeling expert.
For one thing, the Lord accepts me just as I am without putting me into competition or rating systems. He says, “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Other people might ignore, dislike or even hate us for our flaws, but God is always ready to accept us because He loves us. The Bible says, “He loves us with an everlasting love.”
God proved His love by the price He paid for us, the life of His Son. No matter what we are like on the inside or on the surface, His great love can fill our need for love and acceptance.
He also takes care of our fears and inadequacies. We worry about all sorts of things and cannot live up to our own expectations, never mind meet the demands of others, but God, true to His nature, provides strength and every resource we need. In Christ, we are not only loved and accepted but equipped and made capable.
This is the secret of onion peeling. God comes into the hearts of those who trust Him. As He meets our deepest inner needs, the layers begin coming off. We find ourselves less and less concerned about what people think of us and instead deeply care about them.
If we have layers and want to be ourselves, we can trust God to help us. When we become what He intended — people without fear, open and layer-free — we are more like genuine jewels and less like onions.
Health food advocates and most vitamin companies say artificial is not as good as natural. What about food? Artificial grapes often look better than real fruit, but no one eats plastic food. Silk flowers need little care but no one plants them in their garden. Astro-turf never needs mowing but few people put it on their front yard. What about sports or jewels? Links on the computer is fun but my muscles get a better workout on a real golf course. Costume jewelry is nice but cannot beat real pearls and diamonds. We want the “real thing,” whether it is jewelry, a game, flowers, grass or food.
Most of us like real people too. ‘Artificial’ could mean wax museum dummies, but we usually use that term for folks who, for one reason or another, have difficulty being themselves. They are aloof, closed, hard to get to know.
Related to that, Christian psychologist Larry Crabbe says we are like onions. We cover our real selves with layers because we are afraid others will reject us if they see what we are really like. We protecting our inner selves because we sense that peeling off our layers could bring tears.
As an example of a layer, Crabbe uses shyness. He says under this external behavior is a person who is afraid that self-expression will bring rejection or ridicule. For them, being shy is a better quality than being wrong or thought silly, so they covers their fears with shyness.
Most of us do not admit or even realize we use layers as protection for our self-esteem. For me, it is boasting or over-involving myself in something that I am good at — to draw attention to my good points. If those layers do not work, I might try retreating, or talking about someone else as a cover, anything to keep people from noticing my shortcomings.
Sometimes we are not as inadequate as we suppose. Besides, people as more accepting than we think they will be. However, there are occasions when we really are inadequate or have done something foolish or wrong. It is far more difficult to admit it than to hide under excuses, blame-shifting, or a lifestyle that belies our burdened conscience.
Whether from real guilt or imagined inadequacy, these layers can become very thick. When that happens to me, I notice my ability to relate to others drops to superficiality. At that point, I need God more than ever; He is an onion-peeling expert.
For one thing, the Lord accepts me just as I am without putting me into competition or rating systems. He says, “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Other people might ignore, dislike or even hate us for our flaws, but God is always ready to accept us because He loves us. The Bible says, “He loves us with an everlasting love.”
God proved His love by the price He paid for us, the life of His Son. No matter what we are like on the inside or on the surface, His great love can fill our need for love and acceptance.
He also takes care of our fears and inadequacies. We worry about all sorts of things and cannot live up to our own expectations, never mind meet the demands of others, but God, true to His nature, provides strength and every resource we need. In Christ, we are not only loved and accepted but equipped and made capable.
This is the secret of onion peeling. God comes into the hearts of those who trust Him. As He meets our deepest inner needs, the layers begin coming off. We find ourselves less and less concerned about what people think of us and instead deeply care about them.
If we have layers and want to be ourselves, we can trust God to help us. When we become what He intended — people without fear, open and layer-free — we are more like genuine jewels and less like onions.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
True Self-worth .......... Parables 520
July 23, 1996
She is slim, fifteen, with a deep tan and the face and form of a model. She stands every day before her mirror hearing inner voices tell her she is unlovable, unacceptable and incapable. She believes what she hears and is utterly convinced she is ugly.
Unless people feel loved, valued and competent, good looks will not make them feel like “beautiful” people. A low opinion of one’s self goes far deeper than what is seen in a mirror. On the surface, being loved may be counted by how many friends a person has or how many lovers, but most who measure themselves that way still feel unloved, even if they have many friends.
Others measure personal value by the size of their bank account, house or car, or by educational credits or other forms of accomplishment. These standards, while perfectly acceptable as goals, have a fatal flaw toward giving a sense of personal value. They are based on comparison. The savings account has to be larger than . . . or the car newer than... or faster than some other one.
If achievement is the measurement, any athlete will tell you that any ultimate award, gold medal, or trophy loses its glitter. The soul is soon dissatisfied with whatever mark was set or whatever record broken. Either new heights must be reached or self-esteem suffers.
Some say a positive self-worth is simply a decision to like yourself. Perhaps that works for a time, but any personal decision must involve changing one’s values. Self-image must be based on something more substantial than personal opinion.
From God’s perspective, a healthy self-esteem includes balance. Christians know two things. One, we are created in the image of God and have potential to be like Christ. Two, that image has been marred by sin, but through Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection, sin can be forgiven, cleansed and conquered. It is in being as God intended that we find our true self-image and enjoy a positive, healthy, yet balanced attitude about ourselves.
In regard to attaining self-esteem through godliness, it is important to understand what godliness is and what it is not. Godliness is not a holier-than-thou lifestyle. Rather, it is refusing to make one’s self the center of all things. Instead, the needs and concerns of others are the priority, just as they are a priority for God.
To be like that, a person needs to understand and experience the love of God. It is unearned, undeserved, and unconditional. Further, it lasts. He says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3).
When we know His love through faith in His Son, our self-esteem is bolstered. We are set free from trying to win the love of others and then become able to love them as God loves us.
Second, we need to understand our worth. Simply put, we are worth the price God was willing to pay for us — the live of His only begotten Son. This worth is established forever because it is based on an event fixed in history and apart from anything we do or have done.
Third, we need to understand our competence. Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).
Those who trust Christ can make the same claim. Our competence is not in ourselves but in the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. We need not compare His capabilities with others because there is no comparison. Our sense of adequacy in Him dissolves our fears of failure and defeat.
The girl who hates her image in the mirror can learn to love it and herself by finding a true sense of worth in Christ. She needs to take to Him her fears of being unloved, unworthy and unable because only He can give us a deep sense of pleasure in who we are and who we can be.
She is slim, fifteen, with a deep tan and the face and form of a model. She stands every day before her mirror hearing inner voices tell her she is unlovable, unacceptable and incapable. She believes what she hears and is utterly convinced she is ugly.
Unless people feel loved, valued and competent, good looks will not make them feel like “beautiful” people. A low opinion of one’s self goes far deeper than what is seen in a mirror. On the surface, being loved may be counted by how many friends a person has or how many lovers, but most who measure themselves that way still feel unloved, even if they have many friends.
Others measure personal value by the size of their bank account, house or car, or by educational credits or other forms of accomplishment. These standards, while perfectly acceptable as goals, have a fatal flaw toward giving a sense of personal value. They are based on comparison. The savings account has to be larger than . . . or the car newer than... or faster than some other one.
If achievement is the measurement, any athlete will tell you that any ultimate award, gold medal, or trophy loses its glitter. The soul is soon dissatisfied with whatever mark was set or whatever record broken. Either new heights must be reached or self-esteem suffers.
Some say a positive self-worth is simply a decision to like yourself. Perhaps that works for a time, but any personal decision must involve changing one’s values. Self-image must be based on something more substantial than personal opinion.
From God’s perspective, a healthy self-esteem includes balance. Christians know two things. One, we are created in the image of God and have potential to be like Christ. Two, that image has been marred by sin, but through Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection, sin can be forgiven, cleansed and conquered. It is in being as God intended that we find our true self-image and enjoy a positive, healthy, yet balanced attitude about ourselves.
In regard to attaining self-esteem through godliness, it is important to understand what godliness is and what it is not. Godliness is not a holier-than-thou lifestyle. Rather, it is refusing to make one’s self the center of all things. Instead, the needs and concerns of others are the priority, just as they are a priority for God.
To be like that, a person needs to understand and experience the love of God. It is unearned, undeserved, and unconditional. Further, it lasts. He says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3).
When we know His love through faith in His Son, our self-esteem is bolstered. We are set free from trying to win the love of others and then become able to love them as God loves us.
Second, we need to understand our worth. Simply put, we are worth the price God was willing to pay for us — the live of His only begotten Son. This worth is established forever because it is based on an event fixed in history and apart from anything we do or have done.
Third, we need to understand our competence. Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).
Those who trust Christ can make the same claim. Our competence is not in ourselves but in the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. We need not compare His capabilities with others because there is no comparison. Our sense of adequacy in Him dissolves our fears of failure and defeat.
The girl who hates her image in the mirror can learn to love it and herself by finding a true sense of worth in Christ. She needs to take to Him her fears of being unloved, unworthy and unable because only He can give us a deep sense of pleasure in who we are and who we can be.
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