February 20, 2001
Marriage has its problems but when they come, the most popular solution these days is simply ending the relationship. Another one could be dumping it on your mother.
Consider this story. A certain mother has one daughter who is divorced. This woman had her son-in-law staying in her home rent-free while he sent support to his wife, the woman’s daughter. When he moved out, the daughter decided she wanted to move in, rent-free. Not only that, she wanted her mother to raise her two children, ages twelve and fourteen, “for the Lord.” This daughter also was in the middle of an affair with a married man. She disclosed he was the father of her oldest child.
Despite tangled stories like this one, people in our society continue to mock nuclear, two-parent families and the concept of marriage-for-life. Instead, the numbers of single parents are increasing. It is not too uncommon for a single person to adopt children. Two people of the same gender and living together also demand that privilege. It seems anything goes.
Marriage and family were not intended to be so fragmented and diverse. At the very first marriage ceremony, God joined one man and one woman. The Bible says, “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
God promotes this unity throughout Scripture. He intended marriage as a sacred relationship of two people under His protection and authority. Human beings have trouble with this concept. From the beginning, we disobeyed God. Adultery and multiple marriages began right after the first family fell into sin. “Unnatural” relationships between men and men, human beings and animals, and other perversities were not far behind.
The problem is not that marriage is just one choice among many but that a biblical marriage seems impossible. It may begin well but after the glow dims and faults begin to appear, most couples separate, each looking for a mate that will forever remain shiny in their eyes.
These days, some men reason that one woman is not able to satisfy the appetites of one man. Some women, fed up with that attitude, drop men out of their lives altogether. What most do not realize is that marriage can last and be fulfilling — with help from the One who designed this relationship.
Withing the past six months, I’ve met couples who have been married to each other for sixty years or more. This seems an amazing feat but it must be noted that these are not perfect people. Their common and distinctive quality is that they made a commitment to each other and determined to make that commitment stick. They took their marriage vows seriously because they repeated them both to each other and before God.
My parents were a few days shy of their sixty-seventh anniversary when my dad died. Mom told me that for them, divorce was not the thing to do. They determined to not fight but settle their differences. They were happy together because they worked at it.
I did not follow their example. My first husband was an alcoholic and we had other problems. I thought the only way to resolve them was by escaping the marriage. Now I realize and admit this was a selfish attitude. Since then, I’ve learned that nothing is impossible with God. He has helped me through far greater difficulties than those I ran away from and proved His power to help me overcome my selfishness.
Still, I have to say that staying married is not just tough — it is impossible. In our humanness, when the going gets tough, we will bail out. We do not know how to resolve the issues or we do not want to. Yet God promises that He can “work in us, both to will and to do His good pleasure.”
Oh Lord Jesus, thank You for working to make us want a strong marriage, for giving us Your unconditional love for each other, and offering Your wisdom regarding any problems that threaten to separate us. While the challenges may be huge, so are You, our wonderful God.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Friday, February 16, 2018
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Compatibility cannot happen without glue! .......... Parables 538
December 24, 1996 ?
These days, marriages are not expected to last. Maybe that is why the demise of Elizabeth Taylor’s eighth union was not a significant headline. What gave the story some attention was the unusual settlement demands. Her latest ex-partner, Larry Fortensky, asked the millionaire actress to increase his monthly pay of $5,000. He claimed this amount only covered “bare expenses.”
According to Taylor, she filed for divorce because of “irreconcilable differences.” This usually means neither one of them would bend. Personal likes and dislikes were more important to them as individuals with “rights” than was harmony in their marriage, so they ended the marriage.
Traditionally, insistence on one’s own way is considered a mark of immaturity. Fortensky at a mere 44 years old, and Taylor who is 63 prove that maturity is not something that comes with age. Neither have learned to make personal sacrifices to benefit a relationship. For them, it seems easier to find someone else with whom to be compatible.
However, after eight tries, Taylor should know by now that compatibility is not an accident or a discovery. It takes work. Besides, if another person totally agrees with everything we think, say and do, one of us is unnecessary. Compatibility is not the key to a happy marriage anyway. Genuine commitment has far more “glue.”
However, commitment is not easy either. It requires work and determination. Incompatibility will always rear its wedge-shaped head. It has been a problem from the beginning of marriage. Genesis says God made man and woman, both in His image. They were like God and they loved each other, just as God loved them. However, their relationship did not stay that way.
Along came the tempter in the form of a serpent. He deceived Eve and both she and Adam turned away from God and fell into sin. They immediately realized their guilt and hid from God. When He sought them out, He told them their sin would have consequences. One of these was to Eve; God said that, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16)
This “curse” has been interpreted in various ways but because it has the same wording as something God says to Cain in the next chapter, the best meaning seems to be, “You will desire to rule your husband but he will rule over you.”
Remember, this is a consequence of sin and a curse, not the marital harmony God intended. Some people call it the battle of the sexes. Despite our attraction to each other, there is something about the marriage relationship that proves Genesis 3:16 is a reality and it is actually sin, not gender differences, that is behind “irreconcilable differences.”
Sin makes people want their own way. Sin makes people manipulate and dominate others. For some reason, sin makes us think that we must have our own way or we will not be happy. Therefore, husbands dominate wives and wives resist by trying to have their own way.
How can this battle come to an end? Some don’t bother trying; they just fight. Others agree to disagree pleasantly. Some call a truce “for the sake of the kids.” Others put on a happy face and cover up their war. Liz and Larry ended it by divorce. None of these are God’s way.
God brings peace by dealing with causes. If sin causes wars, then the remedy for the wars is His remedy for sin, His Son, Jesus Christ. The Bible says, “God made Him who had no sin (Jesus) to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.”
Liz and Larry could take their irreconcilable differences to the Cross and give them to Jesus. He takes sin on Himself and bears it for us (even though it killed Him) and is then able to give to us His righteousness, a new nature. With it comes “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control”, the kind of stuff that makes marriages work.
These days, marriages are not expected to last. Maybe that is why the demise of Elizabeth Taylor’s eighth union was not a significant headline. What gave the story some attention was the unusual settlement demands. Her latest ex-partner, Larry Fortensky, asked the millionaire actress to increase his monthly pay of $5,000. He claimed this amount only covered “bare expenses.”
According to Taylor, she filed for divorce because of “irreconcilable differences.” This usually means neither one of them would bend. Personal likes and dislikes were more important to them as individuals with “rights” than was harmony in their marriage, so they ended the marriage.
Traditionally, insistence on one’s own way is considered a mark of immaturity. Fortensky at a mere 44 years old, and Taylor who is 63 prove that maturity is not something that comes with age. Neither have learned to make personal sacrifices to benefit a relationship. For them, it seems easier to find someone else with whom to be compatible.
However, after eight tries, Taylor should know by now that compatibility is not an accident or a discovery. It takes work. Besides, if another person totally agrees with everything we think, say and do, one of us is unnecessary. Compatibility is not the key to a happy marriage anyway. Genuine commitment has far more “glue.”
However, commitment is not easy either. It requires work and determination. Incompatibility will always rear its wedge-shaped head. It has been a problem from the beginning of marriage. Genesis says God made man and woman, both in His image. They were like God and they loved each other, just as God loved them. However, their relationship did not stay that way.
Along came the tempter in the form of a serpent. He deceived Eve and both she and Adam turned away from God and fell into sin. They immediately realized their guilt and hid from God. When He sought them out, He told them their sin would have consequences. One of these was to Eve; God said that, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16)
This “curse” has been interpreted in various ways but because it has the same wording as something God says to Cain in the next chapter, the best meaning seems to be, “You will desire to rule your husband but he will rule over you.”
Remember, this is a consequence of sin and a curse, not the marital harmony God intended. Some people call it the battle of the sexes. Despite our attraction to each other, there is something about the marriage relationship that proves Genesis 3:16 is a reality and it is actually sin, not gender differences, that is behind “irreconcilable differences.”
Sin makes people want their own way. Sin makes people manipulate and dominate others. For some reason, sin makes us think that we must have our own way or we will not be happy. Therefore, husbands dominate wives and wives resist by trying to have their own way.
How can this battle come to an end? Some don’t bother trying; they just fight. Others agree to disagree pleasantly. Some call a truce “for the sake of the kids.” Others put on a happy face and cover up their war. Liz and Larry ended it by divorce. None of these are God’s way.
God brings peace by dealing with causes. If sin causes wars, then the remedy for the wars is His remedy for sin, His Son, Jesus Christ. The Bible says, “God made Him who had no sin (Jesus) to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.”
Liz and Larry could take their irreconcilable differences to the Cross and give them to Jesus. He takes sin on Himself and bears it for us (even though it killed Him) and is then able to give to us His righteousness, a new nature. With it comes “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control”, the kind of stuff that makes marriages work.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
What happened to marriage? .......... Parables 493
November 28, 1995
A popular talk show host says three years in a marriage is a long time. Thousands of couples divorce within five years and many do not make it to their first anniversary.
What happened to marriage? One writer says commitment is the key to make marriage last, combined with seeing ourselves as givers. He says, “too many come to marriage looking for a handout, someone to take care of them, keep them happy, make up their deficiencies. They come with their umbilical cord in their hand looking for a place to plug it in.”
If commitment is key, whatever happened to commitment? Sociologists and psychologists may differ, but at the risk of oversimplification, maybe the problem is the current “if it feels good, do it” philosophy. Commitment eventually means weathering through some tough times. Too many want to leave “for better or worse” out of their vows.
The biggest ingredient in any commitment is seeing ourselves as givers. However, children are now encouraged to be takers. A mother told me her preschooler goes to many birthday parties and although the children are expected to give a gift, they each must go home with one. They even arrive with their hands out asking, “What do you have for me?”
Commitment and being a giver is easy when it feels good. Over a year ago, my husband and I made a commitment to bring my parents into our home and care for them. For several weeks, we discussed both pros and cons of such a move, anticipating some joy and a few difficulties. Although the joy is there, emotional benefits could never keep us going — some days being a care giver is simply not fun.
My mother holds a biblical philosophy: “No one is ever really happy unless they are doing something for someone else.” She is right, but emotional enthusiasm is an unstable base for decisions. Besides, as personal comfort fades into oblivion, my commitment level trembles and threatens to leave home with it. Some days I am desperate for privacy, or for moving at a faster pace, or for just a break in routine, yet commitment argues — you decided to do this! The decision to do something for others is always a matter of the will, not feelings.
Long term marriages work because there is a will to make them work and because each decides to give 100%. Giving is not a fifty/fifty, I-will-if-you-will proposition. Jesus would agree. He set His will to do the will of His Father (not a bad goal for couples) and determined that He would be a Giver, even if it killed Him.
And it did. As He anticipated the horror of the Cross, He sweat drops of blood and asked His Father if salvation could be accomplished some another way. Nevertheless, He added, “Not My will but Thine be done.”
Jesus obviously saw Himself as a Servant, totally willing to do whatever His Father asked. He fulfilled the role promised by the prophet Isaiah: “... My righteous Servant will justify many, and He will bear their iniquities.”
Jesus committed Himself as the Servant of His Father but His commitment was not joyless. The Bible says, “For the joy set before Him... He endured the Cross...” He has a happy heart because He kept His promise and served 100 per cent.
Jesus continues to keep His promises and still offers Himself as Lord and Savior. Those who unite themselves to Him find that He has His hand out but He is not looking for someone to care for Him. Rather, He cares for those who take His hand, keeps them happy, and makes up their deficiencies. He is the place where the needy can “plug in” — the One who enables couples to keep their vow “for better or worse, until death do us part.”
A popular talk show host says three years in a marriage is a long time. Thousands of couples divorce within five years and many do not make it to their first anniversary.
What happened to marriage? One writer says commitment is the key to make marriage last, combined with seeing ourselves as givers. He says, “too many come to marriage looking for a handout, someone to take care of them, keep them happy, make up their deficiencies. They come with their umbilical cord in their hand looking for a place to plug it in.”
If commitment is key, whatever happened to commitment? Sociologists and psychologists may differ, but at the risk of oversimplification, maybe the problem is the current “if it feels good, do it” philosophy. Commitment eventually means weathering through some tough times. Too many want to leave “for better or worse” out of their vows.
The biggest ingredient in any commitment is seeing ourselves as givers. However, children are now encouraged to be takers. A mother told me her preschooler goes to many birthday parties and although the children are expected to give a gift, they each must go home with one. They even arrive with their hands out asking, “What do you have for me?”
Commitment and being a giver is easy when it feels good. Over a year ago, my husband and I made a commitment to bring my parents into our home and care for them. For several weeks, we discussed both pros and cons of such a move, anticipating some joy and a few difficulties. Although the joy is there, emotional benefits could never keep us going — some days being a care giver is simply not fun.
My mother holds a biblical philosophy: “No one is ever really happy unless they are doing something for someone else.” She is right, but emotional enthusiasm is an unstable base for decisions. Besides, as personal comfort fades into oblivion, my commitment level trembles and threatens to leave home with it. Some days I am desperate for privacy, or for moving at a faster pace, or for just a break in routine, yet commitment argues — you decided to do this! The decision to do something for others is always a matter of the will, not feelings.
Long term marriages work because there is a will to make them work and because each decides to give 100%. Giving is not a fifty/fifty, I-will-if-you-will proposition. Jesus would agree. He set His will to do the will of His Father (not a bad goal for couples) and determined that He would be a Giver, even if it killed Him.
And it did. As He anticipated the horror of the Cross, He sweat drops of blood and asked His Father if salvation could be accomplished some another way. Nevertheless, He added, “Not My will but Thine be done.”
Jesus obviously saw Himself as a Servant, totally willing to do whatever His Father asked. He fulfilled the role promised by the prophet Isaiah: “... My righteous Servant will justify many, and He will bear their iniquities.”
Jesus committed Himself as the Servant of His Father but His commitment was not joyless. The Bible says, “For the joy set before Him... He endured the Cross...” He has a happy heart because He kept His promise and served 100 per cent.
Jesus continues to keep His promises and still offers Himself as Lord and Savior. Those who unite themselves to Him find that He has His hand out but He is not looking for someone to care for Him. Rather, He cares for those who take His hand, keeps them happy, and makes up their deficiencies. He is the place where the needy can “plug in” — the One who enables couples to keep their vow “for better or worse, until death do us part.”
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