March 2, 1999
My friend Wayne could be a prophet. Months ago, he wrote a short fiction story about a family caught in a law that did not allow spanking. A few weeks ago, Jordan Riak of Oakland California, made headlines in his one-man crusade to stamp out spanking.
Riak says, “I think that every time a little boy is spanked, it gives him his first lesson in becoming a beater, and every time a little girl is spanked, it gives her the first lesson that people who love you slap you around.” Does he have the right idea?
Wayne’s story takes a look at what could happen. A dad takes his children to their vehicle in a public parking lot. His daughter disobeys his warning and runs in front of a speeding car. He yanks her out of danger and instinctively gives her a swat on her backside. But spanking is against the law and someone sees him. He is arrested and charged.
Wayne writes from frustration. Who decided you can reason with small children? Most research says they cannot reason until they are about ten years old. While parents hope they will understand why some things are wrong or dangerous, until ten or so, they have difficulty with rationale. However, even a two-year old is capable of trusting mom and dad to guide them.
The downside is that everyone knows parents do not need to teach their children how to misbehave. The question is, how do you encourage them to do right? And what do you do when they refuse? From an adult perspective, reasoning seems kinder but if a child is too young to reason, then all they hear are mere words, easily shut out.
Riak equates spanking with beating children and slapping them around. Wayne argues loving parents have a different motive. Child abusers are frustrated and out of control. They want to harm not help. Loving parents are concerned that their children learn how to do right, make wise choices. They do not beat or slap but want the very best for them. They reinforce obedience with praise and discourage rebellion and disobedience (which is not the same as a childish mistake) with uncomfortable consequences.
A parallel might be a toddler and a hot stove. Parents can talk and reason, but no matter how strong their warnings, some little ones will touch it anyway. When they do, sudden pain impresses them that Mom is right; a hot stove is not safe.
From the child’s side, the Bible says, “Obey your parents . . . that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” This was directly applied to a family that taught their children to obey instantly (no small feat). It paid off. One summer day, as their sitter watched them in the family pool, she noticed a flash and a sagging overhead wire. She yelled, “Get out of the pool, right now!” They did (most would not) and moments later, the hot wire fell into the pool. Long life and obedience are a team.
It didn’t work that way at the end of Wayne’s fiction story. As the press sweeps into the family yard, insisting on an interview, the children are out of control. Dad tells them to stop but they insist on playing with some electrical equipment. He is frantic yet they ignore his words.
The reporters realize this is the test. Will this man lose his cool again and spank his children? Right in front of their cameras? They taunt him. The children laugh. Their mother sides with the reporters. What will he do? As they harass him, the children freeze. All action is in slow motion. Dad rushes toward them, silently screaming — but too late — both are electrocuted.
It is only a story but Wayne makes a point. Love is aware of the importance of obedience. Love does not beat children but teaches and corrects them, firmly and with necessary actions.
Surveys say about 90% of children are spanked. However, 90% do not grow up to be abusive husbands or abused wives. Is spanking taking the rap when the real culprit is something else? Maybe we have forgotten the importance of obeying authority. And maybe we have lost the true definition of love.
Showing posts with label raising children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label raising children. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Nurture as God nurtures ................ Parables 553
April 22, 1997
The Ontario deputy coroner says that at least six children were murdered in recent months while under the care of children’s aid agencies. The same source also says there is a higher rate of child homicide for children cared for by these organizations than there is in the general population.
Children’s aid societies are supposed to protect children but this story reveals there is grave danger in some of that “protection,” at least in Ontario. Perhaps more children would survive if more effort went toward teaching parents effective methods for raising their families.
The most effective teaching comes from the parenting lessons offered by our heavenly Father. Up front, He challenges us to raise our children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” In other words, it is His plan that we care for them like He cares for us.
“Nurture” and “admonition” mean that we instruct and discipline our children with the noble goals of improving their character and of helping them become all that God intends for them. In the Bible, nurture and admonition are never negative actions but are described as positive activities and an important responsibility.
God’s nurture of His children includes care for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. He corrects us when we go wrong and instructs us in the right way. He also equips us for each responsibility He gives us.
Human parents must do the same for their children, including correction. However, many people object to Scripture’s mention of “sparing the rod” and if we do, we will “spoil the child.” They wonder how a loving parent could use a rod on a child? It seems contradictory to the nurturing command to be like our divine parent.
Actually, in Bible times a rod was used in several ways. One was to count sheep, another to protect them. In the familiar 23rd Psalm, God is likened to a shepherd. If sheep stray into barren or dangerous places, the shepherd uses his “rod and staff” to guide them home. The shepherd never used his rod with intent to harm the sheep, but rather to protect them. The psalmist even says that God’s rod comforts him.
Taken with other passages, it is fair to conclude God encourages parents to use their authority to guide and direct, not to beat their children. A child without guidance, without respect for authority and without standards by which to measure their life, is indeed a “spoiled” child.
Putting a rod in the hand of an angry parent is not what God has in mind either. No one can use this passage as excuse to harm their children. Instead, parents need to untangle their motives. God corrects for His child’s good, not because the child is annoying Him.
Our Father does not admonish us with the thought that, “I will have my own way,” but rather He wants the very best for us. He knows that His way will bring us the greatest joy and lead us in our way to eternal life with Him. Therefore, His discipline is never selfish.
If more parents had that in mind with their children, children’s aid societies, and the abuses within them, would be obsolete.
The Ontario deputy coroner says that at least six children were murdered in recent months while under the care of children’s aid agencies. The same source also says there is a higher rate of child homicide for children cared for by these organizations than there is in the general population.
Children’s aid societies are supposed to protect children but this story reveals there is grave danger in some of that “protection,” at least in Ontario. Perhaps more children would survive if more effort went toward teaching parents effective methods for raising their families.
The most effective teaching comes from the parenting lessons offered by our heavenly Father. Up front, He challenges us to raise our children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” In other words, it is His plan that we care for them like He cares for us.
“Nurture” and “admonition” mean that we instruct and discipline our children with the noble goals of improving their character and of helping them become all that God intends for them. In the Bible, nurture and admonition are never negative actions but are described as positive activities and an important responsibility.
God’s nurture of His children includes care for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. He corrects us when we go wrong and instructs us in the right way. He also equips us for each responsibility He gives us.
Human parents must do the same for their children, including correction. However, many people object to Scripture’s mention of “sparing the rod” and if we do, we will “spoil the child.” They wonder how a loving parent could use a rod on a child? It seems contradictory to the nurturing command to be like our divine parent.
Actually, in Bible times a rod was used in several ways. One was to count sheep, another to protect them. In the familiar 23rd Psalm, God is likened to a shepherd. If sheep stray into barren or dangerous places, the shepherd uses his “rod and staff” to guide them home. The shepherd never used his rod with intent to harm the sheep, but rather to protect them. The psalmist even says that God’s rod comforts him.
Taken with other passages, it is fair to conclude God encourages parents to use their authority to guide and direct, not to beat their children. A child without guidance, without respect for authority and without standards by which to measure their life, is indeed a “spoiled” child.
Putting a rod in the hand of an angry parent is not what God has in mind either. No one can use this passage as excuse to harm their children. Instead, parents need to untangle their motives. God corrects for His child’s good, not because the child is annoying Him.
Our Father does not admonish us with the thought that, “I will have my own way,” but rather He wants the very best for us. He knows that His way will bring us the greatest joy and lead us in our way to eternal life with Him. Therefore, His discipline is never selfish.
If more parents had that in mind with their children, children’s aid societies, and the abuses within them, would be obsolete.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Importance of humble submission .................. Parables 431
July 26, 1994
The baby sitter sat on the swimming pool’s edge. She enjoyed taking care of these children. Not only was the pool a nice bonus, these children were obedient. Their parents had diligently taught them to obey with a pleasant spirit. When she told them to do something, they did it with a smile.
As she dangled her feet in the water, a flicker of light and faint buzzing attracted her attention. She looked up into the cloudless sky and saw nothing. In a few seconds, she heard the noise again. It sounded like an angry insect. Her eye caught a flash of light near the house where cables carried electricity into the family home. Wires sparked and cracked.
The sitter jumped to her feet and quickly called the children. She didn’t have time to think what might happen if they argued with her. “Get out of the pool, right now,” she cried.
Each child obeyed instantly. Moments after they backed from the edge of the pool, the cable sizzled once more. With sparks flying, it separated and one end fell into the water with a loud crack, then a bang as the breaker tripped. No one was injured.
When we heard this story, we thought most children would have responded to a command to get out of a swimming pool on a hot day with: “What for? We are having fun. Give us a break...” or something similar. These children were different. The rest of the story explained why.
At the root of their response was training received by parents who were dedicated to the Word of God. They tried to know it, understand it, and teach it to their children. They also realized teaching alone would not insure obedience, so they tried to follow it as closely as possible in their own lives.
They particularly modeled what the Bible said about couples. Their father tried to love their mother and serve her needs, just as Christ loves and serves the church. Their mother made it her aim to respond to her husband as the church should respond to Christ. Their children saw how God’s plan for families resulted in parents who worked well together without missing any of the enjoyment of life.
That example made it easier for them to obey Ephesians 6:1-3: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother--which is the first commandment with a promise--that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
The phrase, “obey your parents in the Lord” refers to the children in their obedience, not to the parents in their giving orders. In other words, the children are “in the Lord,” trusting Him, rather than waiting for parents to be godly before listening to what they say.
In the sight of God, children are significant and able to make choices. He knows children can choose to trust and obey Him, even if their parents do not. However, verse 4 shows that God is concerned parents do their part. Moms and dads are not supposed to exasperate their children or provoke them to anger. Instead, they are responsible to lovingly teach their little ones as the Lord would, nurturing and caring for them.
Even though the primary message of the Bible concerns eternal life in heaven, this story illustrates one way that simple obedience to God can result in a longer life here on earth.
The baby sitter sat on the swimming pool’s edge. She enjoyed taking care of these children. Not only was the pool a nice bonus, these children were obedient. Their parents had diligently taught them to obey with a pleasant spirit. When she told them to do something, they did it with a smile.
As she dangled her feet in the water, a flicker of light and faint buzzing attracted her attention. She looked up into the cloudless sky and saw nothing. In a few seconds, she heard the noise again. It sounded like an angry insect. Her eye caught a flash of light near the house where cables carried electricity into the family home. Wires sparked and cracked.
The sitter jumped to her feet and quickly called the children. She didn’t have time to think what might happen if they argued with her. “Get out of the pool, right now,” she cried.
Each child obeyed instantly. Moments after they backed from the edge of the pool, the cable sizzled once more. With sparks flying, it separated and one end fell into the water with a loud crack, then a bang as the breaker tripped. No one was injured.
When we heard this story, we thought most children would have responded to a command to get out of a swimming pool on a hot day with: “What for? We are having fun. Give us a break...” or something similar. These children were different. The rest of the story explained why.
At the root of their response was training received by parents who were dedicated to the Word of God. They tried to know it, understand it, and teach it to their children. They also realized teaching alone would not insure obedience, so they tried to follow it as closely as possible in their own lives.
They particularly modeled what the Bible said about couples. Their father tried to love their mother and serve her needs, just as Christ loves and serves the church. Their mother made it her aim to respond to her husband as the church should respond to Christ. Their children saw how God’s plan for families resulted in parents who worked well together without missing any of the enjoyment of life.
That example made it easier for them to obey Ephesians 6:1-3: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother--which is the first commandment with a promise--that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
The phrase, “obey your parents in the Lord” refers to the children in their obedience, not to the parents in their giving orders. In other words, the children are “in the Lord,” trusting Him, rather than waiting for parents to be godly before listening to what they say.
In the sight of God, children are significant and able to make choices. He knows children can choose to trust and obey Him, even if their parents do not. However, verse 4 shows that God is concerned parents do their part. Moms and dads are not supposed to exasperate their children or provoke them to anger. Instead, they are responsible to lovingly teach their little ones as the Lord would, nurturing and caring for them.
Even though the primary message of the Bible concerns eternal life in heaven, this story illustrates one way that simple obedience to God can result in a longer life here on earth.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Children are patience-builders! .................. Parables 419
May 3, 1994
“How many times do I have to tell you to take your shoes off at the door...?”
Every time he came in, my brother had to be reminded. Finally, when he left home and later married, my mother was certain his wife would have the same problem, but she didn’t.
In a round-about way, a school guidance counselor explains why. She says when children behave well under the care of someone other than their mother, mother is doing a good job. She added that a child who is good at home but misbehaves when away from home, is either compliant or being controlled. When that child is on his own, he demonstrates that mother’s lessons have not been learned.
What a relief for mothers who wonder what is going on when their children are a handful for them but not for grandma or the baby sitter. Instead of developing an inferiority complex, they can sigh in relief; they are doing a good job.
Being a parent is not an easy task though. It requires lots of patience, something we never have when we take on the role. In fact, patience is one virtue that is more likely to develop as we do it – something like on-the-job-training, or steel being tempered in a furnace!
The Bible agrees patience is produced by trials. Romans 5:5 says “suffering produces patient endurance.” James 1:2,3 says, “Consider it pure joy... whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”
But who of us welcomes trials and tribulations with joy? I know my mother didn’t stand at the door every night saying, “Oh, good, here he comes with manure all over his shoes and I have the privilege of watching him track it in the house or reminding him to take off his boots. I’m so happy.”
However, the Bible is not unrealistic. James was reminding his readers to consider their faith (their “knowing”) because faith would tell them God had a positive purpose in allowing them to experience trials. If nothing else, trusting God in them would bring the end result of patience.
While no one welcomes unpleasant tests, they are much easier to take when we can learn to focus on the good that will come out of them rather than on the tests themselves. It will be difficult to do that however, unless we believe God is able to produce good and that patience is an important virtue.
For that reason, James encourages Christians to recognize trials as not simply irritations but tests of our faith. When something unpleasant happens, our response to it will reveal whatever we really trust, and how much trust we actually have.
My mother didn’t have the latest in child psychology to tell her she needed to persevere. She must either persist in reminding my brother about his shoes or continually have him clean up after himself until he remembered on his own. She also choose her attitude, deciding patience would pay off. Without faith in God to help her maintain it, one can only imagine the consequences.
Other trials may be less or more severe. In any case, each of us also have opportunity to rely on God. Will the trial produce patience or will it result in anger, bitterness, or some other negative attitude?
Mom wanted clean floors. She also wanted a thoughtful son. God considered her desires and gave her both – and also blessed her with patience.
“How many times do I have to tell you to take your shoes off at the door...?”
Every time he came in, my brother had to be reminded. Finally, when he left home and later married, my mother was certain his wife would have the same problem, but she didn’t.
In a round-about way, a school guidance counselor explains why. She says when children behave well under the care of someone other than their mother, mother is doing a good job. She added that a child who is good at home but misbehaves when away from home, is either compliant or being controlled. When that child is on his own, he demonstrates that mother’s lessons have not been learned.
What a relief for mothers who wonder what is going on when their children are a handful for them but not for grandma or the baby sitter. Instead of developing an inferiority complex, they can sigh in relief; they are doing a good job.
Being a parent is not an easy task though. It requires lots of patience, something we never have when we take on the role. In fact, patience is one virtue that is more likely to develop as we do it – something like on-the-job-training, or steel being tempered in a furnace!
The Bible agrees patience is produced by trials. Romans 5:5 says “suffering produces patient endurance.” James 1:2,3 says, “Consider it pure joy... whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”
But who of us welcomes trials and tribulations with joy? I know my mother didn’t stand at the door every night saying, “Oh, good, here he comes with manure all over his shoes and I have the privilege of watching him track it in the house or reminding him to take off his boots. I’m so happy.”
However, the Bible is not unrealistic. James was reminding his readers to consider their faith (their “knowing”) because faith would tell them God had a positive purpose in allowing them to experience trials. If nothing else, trusting God in them would bring the end result of patience.
While no one welcomes unpleasant tests, they are much easier to take when we can learn to focus on the good that will come out of them rather than on the tests themselves. It will be difficult to do that however, unless we believe God is able to produce good and that patience is an important virtue.
For that reason, James encourages Christians to recognize trials as not simply irritations but tests of our faith. When something unpleasant happens, our response to it will reveal whatever we really trust, and how much trust we actually have.
My mother didn’t have the latest in child psychology to tell her she needed to persevere. She must either persist in reminding my brother about his shoes or continually have him clean up after himself until he remembered on his own. She also choose her attitude, deciding patience would pay off. Without faith in God to help her maintain it, one can only imagine the consequences.
Other trials may be less or more severe. In any case, each of us also have opportunity to rely on God. Will the trial produce patience or will it result in anger, bitterness, or some other negative attitude?
Mom wanted clean floors. She also wanted a thoughtful son. God considered her desires and gave her both – and also blessed her with patience.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Love and Discipline .................. Parables 408
February 15, 1994
When I was in grade nine, a classmate passed me a note. She was a beautiful girl with a model’s shape, popular with everyone, and dated whatever boys she pleased. She had nice clothes, money, and freedom to go wherever she wanted. Everyone envied her, including me.
The note said, “I envy you and your sister... My parents don’t love me enough to correct me.”
She shook me to the bottom of my prejudices. I thought love was being spoiled and pampered. She thought anyone who doesn’t care whether or not we are on the wrong track does not love us.
That was many years ago. Today, social sciences and current thinking comes down hard on child discipline. Specialists cannot conceive of a spanking being anything more than abuse (many times it is, but it doesn’t have to be) and children are picking up the same attitude. What a tragedy, particularly from the child’s perspective.
Discipline can be given in love, not anger, if the focus is on the needs of the person being disciplined. Is it good for them to continue in whatever they are doing without correction? Will they hurt themselves or other people? Will they have a false idea of what is acceptable social behavior? Will they develop rude, immoral, illegal, or violent habits? What will this behavior look like in them when they are five, ten, or twenty years older?
Answering those questions is far different than popping off at a child who is annoying, or an embarrassment, or simply in the way. Those who verbally or physically expresses how they feel about someone’s behavior are not fooling anyone, least of all the recipient, into thinking they are doing it in love. Even a small child can tell the difference between angry, self-serving correction and stern, but loving concern for their growth as persons.
Besides saying “I love you enough to stop you,” discipline provides boundaries and a sense of security. In many cases, even adults feel more comfortable with knowing their limits.
Of course there are many forms of discipline. Again, as adults who are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that sometimes the only way we learn is through pain.
Perhaps that is the greatest reason I appreciate that note. The Bible talks about God loving me enough to correct me but when I first experienced that correction, I was very upset. How could God “spank” His children? I wanted to run and hide.
Then I found Hebrews 12: “Do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and he punishes everyone He accepts as a son (or daughter).... Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
God’s discipline is not an expression of His anger; my failures do not annoy Him. He cares about me so uses whatever is necessary to help me change and become a better person.
While an earthly parent can dish out harsh, unloving physical abuse that results in their child never feeling comfortable with the concept of God as Father, the opposite response can be just as devastating. No discipline at all can also make a person think that no one cares, God included.
When I was in grade nine, a classmate passed me a note. She was a beautiful girl with a model’s shape, popular with everyone, and dated whatever boys she pleased. She had nice clothes, money, and freedom to go wherever she wanted. Everyone envied her, including me.
The note said, “I envy you and your sister... My parents don’t love me enough to correct me.”
She shook me to the bottom of my prejudices. I thought love was being spoiled and pampered. She thought anyone who doesn’t care whether or not we are on the wrong track does not love us.
That was many years ago. Today, social sciences and current thinking comes down hard on child discipline. Specialists cannot conceive of a spanking being anything more than abuse (many times it is, but it doesn’t have to be) and children are picking up the same attitude. What a tragedy, particularly from the child’s perspective.
Discipline can be given in love, not anger, if the focus is on the needs of the person being disciplined. Is it good for them to continue in whatever they are doing without correction? Will they hurt themselves or other people? Will they have a false idea of what is acceptable social behavior? Will they develop rude, immoral, illegal, or violent habits? What will this behavior look like in them when they are five, ten, or twenty years older?
Answering those questions is far different than popping off at a child who is annoying, or an embarrassment, or simply in the way. Those who verbally or physically expresses how they feel about someone’s behavior are not fooling anyone, least of all the recipient, into thinking they are doing it in love. Even a small child can tell the difference between angry, self-serving correction and stern, but loving concern for their growth as persons.
Besides saying “I love you enough to stop you,” discipline provides boundaries and a sense of security. In many cases, even adults feel more comfortable with knowing their limits.
Of course there are many forms of discipline. Again, as adults who are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that sometimes the only way we learn is through pain.
Perhaps that is the greatest reason I appreciate that note. The Bible talks about God loving me enough to correct me but when I first experienced that correction, I was very upset. How could God “spank” His children? I wanted to run and hide.
Then I found Hebrews 12: “Do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and he punishes everyone He accepts as a son (or daughter).... Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
God’s discipline is not an expression of His anger; my failures do not annoy Him. He cares about me so uses whatever is necessary to help me change and become a better person.
While an earthly parent can dish out harsh, unloving physical abuse that results in their child never feeling comfortable with the concept of God as Father, the opposite response can be just as devastating. No discipline at all can also make a person think that no one cares, God included.
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