March 10, 1997
Certain pro-choice advocates claim that women who have had an abortion suffer less trauma than those with an unwanted child. This argument supposedly comforts anyone who struggles with the emotional aftermath of the choice they made to terminate their pregnancy.
It seems to me that comparing the degree of trauma people experience depends more on individual personality and maturity than it does on the differences in their experiences. However, actions that people take after a trauma can indicate the measure of hardship they personally felt.
Statistics provide information in this area. For instance, one country reports women who undergo abortion have a suicide rate three times higher than normal and six times greater than the amount of suicides associated with childbirth. According to those statistics, trauma after an abortion seems very high.
Those who experience this say their feelings include guilt, a sense of shame and even grief over the loss of their child. It is important to remember that feelings like this are not restricted to women who have had abortions. Mothers who cannot take care of their children also feel a certain sense of guilt and shame. All parents in the process of raising children struggle with difficulties and sometimes feel guilty about their performance.
Guilt, shame, grief, sorrow and pain are part of the human experience, as are poor choices. Even if we could perfectly choose our experiences, sorrow and pain would not be avoided. Next best to avoiding negative situations is learning how to deal with them and the consequences. In the case of emotions like guilt, shame and loss, they can be overcome but not by denying the degree to which they are felt.
It is normal to feel terrible when we violate our own standards, never mind God’s laws. Denial of those feelings prevents us from discovering guilt’s remedy. Acts 13:38 says, “Therefore, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.”
Like guilt, shame is also a natural emotional response to behavior that violates our conscience. We feel embarrassed and humiliated before other people and before God. Again, to deny its reality or its severity also prevents us from finding God’s remedy. The Bible says, “Jesus endured the cross, scorning its shame” that we might know the freedom of sins forgiven.
It also says that “anyone who trusts in Him will never be put to shame.” Forgiveness not only clears our hearts of guilt but wipes away shame’s pain and protects us from any further threats of shame.
In one sense, loss has no cure. A dead child cannot be restored to life, nor will having more children fill the emptiness or assuage the grief. This is one horror of abortion. It is so final. However, God also has an answer for grief and even a reason. Jeremiah wrote: “Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.”
We experience grief because we are designed by God to feel loss and the consequences of our destructive choices. However, He intends that those feelings draw us closer to Him. He knows He is the only one who can give us comfort and peace.
Abortion critics need to recognize that guilt, shame and grief can bring a woman into such deep despair that she may commit suicide. After-the-fact judgment is not going to help her. It may even push her deeper into that pit.
Instead, women, or anyone in despair, needs God’s protection from the dark powers of suicidal depression and the good news of His love, forgiveness, comfort and hope.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, February 13, 2017
Friday, January 15, 2016
Passive aggression or yielded to God? ............. Parables 380
July 27, 1993
A few weeks ago I watched a man controlling his wife, much to her frustration. She couldn’t do anything to gain the upper hand.
Not that she didn’t try. She coaxed. She nagged. She complained and ridiculed, and some of it seemed successful, but her efforts actually made things worse. He rules their relationship by doing nothing.
The psychologists call his behavior “passive-aggressive.” He is aggressive because he is determined and deliberate, yet passive in that he does not seem to do anything, at least not what she wants him to do.
The wife wants him to talk, to be involved in her life, to take an interest in his own, to grow as a person. However, most of the time he sits, silently, without responding and without taking any initiative, at least the kind she wants him to take.
Those who have never participated in this kind of war might label this behavior childish, or even amusing, but it is an adult game many play. It is not funny. In fact, these two players are quite miserable.
I talked with the wife. She is lonely and unhappy. She is afraid that her life will always be like this. She wants her husband to get out of his shell so he can enjoy his life too. She uses an aggressive approach. She tries everything she knows. The only thing she hasn’t tried is what works so well for him — being passive.
Most people misunderstand the biblical statements about husband-wife relationships. The wording makes them sound terribly one-sided, that the man is the boss and the woman is his doormat, but that is what I’ve just described (at least one variation) and it is far from what God intended.
Before Adam and Eve stepped outside the will of God and sin entered in, this first husband and wife did not play power games. They were completely open and honest. They enjoyed one another.
But sin is that inner tendency to run our own lives, do our own thing. It brings suspicion and manipulation and, as God said would happen, husbands try to rule their wives and wives try to rule their husbands.
Both partners can be aggressive, passive, or this strange combination of the two. Both also can dictate to the other how they expect their own needs to be met, without thinking about the needs of their partner.
To further complicate the relationship I witnessed, if that husband should decide to try and meet his wife’s needs, he seems to have no idea what they might be. He is not alone. Many men wonder what kind of leadership women respond to and appreciate.
Not every women is able to tell them either. Some know they want to feel loved but are not sure what their husbands can do to make it happen. Even those who seem to know sometimes feel that asking for it is counter-productive. Love seems more genuine when it is demonstrated without demands and instructions.
God’s way does not ignore either side of the issue. He commands men to love their wives in the same way Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. He also says they are to understand their wives and take care of their needs.
God commands wives to respond to their husband’s leadership (made much easier if he does his part). She is to trust God to meet her needs, though, not coax, manipulate, beg, or even expect her husband to do it. God might use him (if he cooperates), but is not limited by the limitations of any spouse.
Most people reject these commands because they seem impossible — and they are. Because of our sinful nature, we’d rather rule than follow (or lovingly lead) and prefer taking rather than giving.
However, the Bible says “With God, all things are possible” and “if any one is in Christ, old things pass away, all things become new.”
How encouraging to know both passiveness and aggressiveness can be made passé.
A few weeks ago I watched a man controlling his wife, much to her frustration. She couldn’t do anything to gain the upper hand.
Not that she didn’t try. She coaxed. She nagged. She complained and ridiculed, and some of it seemed successful, but her efforts actually made things worse. He rules their relationship by doing nothing.
The psychologists call his behavior “passive-aggressive.” He is aggressive because he is determined and deliberate, yet passive in that he does not seem to do anything, at least not what she wants him to do.
The wife wants him to talk, to be involved in her life, to take an interest in his own, to grow as a person. However, most of the time he sits, silently, without responding and without taking any initiative, at least the kind she wants him to take.
Those who have never participated in this kind of war might label this behavior childish, or even amusing, but it is an adult game many play. It is not funny. In fact, these two players are quite miserable.
I talked with the wife. She is lonely and unhappy. She is afraid that her life will always be like this. She wants her husband to get out of his shell so he can enjoy his life too. She uses an aggressive approach. She tries everything she knows. The only thing she hasn’t tried is what works so well for him — being passive.
Most people misunderstand the biblical statements about husband-wife relationships. The wording makes them sound terribly one-sided, that the man is the boss and the woman is his doormat, but that is what I’ve just described (at least one variation) and it is far from what God intended.
Before Adam and Eve stepped outside the will of God and sin entered in, this first husband and wife did not play power games. They were completely open and honest. They enjoyed one another.
But sin is that inner tendency to run our own lives, do our own thing. It brings suspicion and manipulation and, as God said would happen, husbands try to rule their wives and wives try to rule their husbands.
Both partners can be aggressive, passive, or this strange combination of the two. Both also can dictate to the other how they expect their own needs to be met, without thinking about the needs of their partner.
To further complicate the relationship I witnessed, if that husband should decide to try and meet his wife’s needs, he seems to have no idea what they might be. He is not alone. Many men wonder what kind of leadership women respond to and appreciate.
Not every women is able to tell them either. Some know they want to feel loved but are not sure what their husbands can do to make it happen. Even those who seem to know sometimes feel that asking for it is counter-productive. Love seems more genuine when it is demonstrated without demands and instructions.
God’s way does not ignore either side of the issue. He commands men to love their wives in the same way Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. He also says they are to understand their wives and take care of their needs.
God commands wives to respond to their husband’s leadership (made much easier if he does his part). She is to trust God to meet her needs, though, not coax, manipulate, beg, or even expect her husband to do it. God might use him (if he cooperates), but is not limited by the limitations of any spouse.
Most people reject these commands because they seem impossible — and they are. Because of our sinful nature, we’d rather rule than follow (or lovingly lead) and prefer taking rather than giving.
However, the Bible says “With God, all things are possible” and “if any one is in Christ, old things pass away, all things become new.”
How encouraging to know both passiveness and aggressiveness can be made passé.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Abortion video is too graphic .................................. Parables 151
I saw a video last month that will likely never make it as a TV documentary. It showed an actual abortion, so graphic that I couldn’t look at all of it.
Its point? That tiny human being, in the beginning stages of development, is violently destroyed during this now common procedure. At the end of the film, a former abortionist said, “There is no rightful place for violence in a world of reason.”
After my emotions stopped rocking, this comment, with its two assumptions, seemed a total contradiction. With “rightful,” he agreed with Scripture that there is definite right and wrong. The rights and wrongs of the Bible can be found in dozens of commandments God gave to Moses, the Ten “thou shalt not’s” of Exodus 20 being the most familiar.
Later, Jesus gathered all the commands together into two: “Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart and mind and soul and strength, and thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”
Therefore, according to Jesus, right and wrong are determined by love, not rules. But Biblical love is not mere emotion. Jesus described a “neighbor” as someone violently mistreated and left helpless to die, and love as a personal sacrifice. He illustrated with the story of the “good Samaritan” who was willing to take time and effort to help the helpless.
My problem lies in the assumption that we live in a world of reason. Reason is “the power to think in an orderly and rational way, to be logical.” Has no one notice? Reason has a tough time choosing to act in sacrificial love. Logic can’t seem to sort out right from wrong. Mankind can’t seem to agree which is which.
When Hitler made his decisions, he found it logical to kill whoever opposed his plans. When Gandhi made the decisions, he thought it rational not to kill even a bug. When man draws the guidelines, there are none.
Logic may reason, “If I take time to show the kinds of love Jesus talked about, it will disrupt my schedule and, at the least, be inconvenient.” In the case above, rational thinking has been known to determine that career, reputation, or personal goals take preeminence over a three-inch fetus and its desperate parents.
While Doctor Whoever made a point, his appeal to reason failed to consider that people, who may not see any other options, will push love out of the way to make room for violence anyway, regardless of how illogical it is.
The premise is wrong. We don’t live in a world of reason at all. We live in a world corrupted by sin and selfish lovelessness. No one is innocent.
Answers? Pro-choice says leave it up to the women. Pro-life says save the child. The medical profession is divided. Women’s groups do not agree. The educators say we need more information. Two women on the film said if they had been told what was really going to happen to them and their unborn, they never would have consented to abortion.
What about God? He offers more than a list of “thou shalt not’s” that we cannot keep anyway; He offers love that changes lives. And who doesn’t need that?
Our world of “reason” also needs Christians who will clean up their own act and reach out in God’s love to the innocents in the womb, to the desperate in their crisis, to the mistreated all around us. The Bible says God’s love has been shed abroad in the hearts of His people by the Holy Spirit. (See Romans 5)
We have it, Christians. We needs to obey love’s motivation and notice the helpless, do what we can to care for them sacrificially and without expectation of personal gain, like Jesus did for us.
Will the violence of abortion ever become just as repulsive to the desperate as it ought to be to the complacent? Logic says not likely, but love says there is hope.
Its point? That tiny human being, in the beginning stages of development, is violently destroyed during this now common procedure. At the end of the film, a former abortionist said, “There is no rightful place for violence in a world of reason.”
After my emotions stopped rocking, this comment, with its two assumptions, seemed a total contradiction. With “rightful,” he agreed with Scripture that there is definite right and wrong. The rights and wrongs of the Bible can be found in dozens of commandments God gave to Moses, the Ten “thou shalt not’s” of Exodus 20 being the most familiar.
Later, Jesus gathered all the commands together into two: “Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart and mind and soul and strength, and thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”
Therefore, according to Jesus, right and wrong are determined by love, not rules. But Biblical love is not mere emotion. Jesus described a “neighbor” as someone violently mistreated and left helpless to die, and love as a personal sacrifice. He illustrated with the story of the “good Samaritan” who was willing to take time and effort to help the helpless.
My problem lies in the assumption that we live in a world of reason. Reason is “the power to think in an orderly and rational way, to be logical.” Has no one notice? Reason has a tough time choosing to act in sacrificial love. Logic can’t seem to sort out right from wrong. Mankind can’t seem to agree which is which.
When Hitler made his decisions, he found it logical to kill whoever opposed his plans. When Gandhi made the decisions, he thought it rational not to kill even a bug. When man draws the guidelines, there are none.
Logic may reason, “If I take time to show the kinds of love Jesus talked about, it will disrupt my schedule and, at the least, be inconvenient.” In the case above, rational thinking has been known to determine that career, reputation, or personal goals take preeminence over a three-inch fetus and its desperate parents.
While Doctor Whoever made a point, his appeal to reason failed to consider that people, who may not see any other options, will push love out of the way to make room for violence anyway, regardless of how illogical it is.
The premise is wrong. We don’t live in a world of reason at all. We live in a world corrupted by sin and selfish lovelessness. No one is innocent.
Answers? Pro-choice says leave it up to the women. Pro-life says save the child. The medical profession is divided. Women’s groups do not agree. The educators say we need more information. Two women on the film said if they had been told what was really going to happen to them and their unborn, they never would have consented to abortion.
What about God? He offers more than a list of “thou shalt not’s” that we cannot keep anyway; He offers love that changes lives. And who doesn’t need that?
Our world of “reason” also needs Christians who will clean up their own act and reach out in God’s love to the innocents in the womb, to the desperate in their crisis, to the mistreated all around us. The Bible says God’s love has been shed abroad in the hearts of His people by the Holy Spirit. (See Romans 5)
We have it, Christians. We needs to obey love’s motivation and notice the helpless, do what we can to care for them sacrificially and without expectation of personal gain, like Jesus did for us.
Will the violence of abortion ever become just as repulsive to the desperate as it ought to be to the complacent? Logic says not likely, but love says there is hope.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Health and the power of love ........................ Parables 118
Nearly everyone wants to be healthy. Without this desire, doctors, nurses, pharmacists, medical researchers, medical technologists, X-ray technicians, health food stores, the vitamin industry and a host of other professional people and services would have nothing to do!
Another product of the normal desire to be healthy, PREVENTION Magazine, recently contained an article that lists steps toward a healthy heart. Besides exercise, a low-cholesterol diet, etc., they said that researchers have found that the typical type-A person, hard-driving and ambitious, was not as prone to heart problems as was once thought. In fact, some Type-A’s were and some were not.
It was discovered that it’s not the hard work and constant activity that got a type-A into trouble but hostility! Furthermore, it is not merely being irritable that’s so dangerous, but rude, abrasive, cynical, vengeful, manipulative or condescending treatment of others. Evidently, research has found that hostility is deadly.
Another article was entitled, “Think Yourself Healthy.” It said that when a group of students were shown a film designed to inspire feelings of love and caring, an antibody that protects against colds and upper respiratory infections actually increased in their systems. When they were shown a film that evoked feelings of aggression or helplessness, their normal antibody level dropped.
It was also found from these studies (at Harvard) that higher intimacy, deeper friendships, and the state of being “in love” corresponded with higher levels of resistance to infection. People with pets or plants to care for recover from illnesses more quickly. People who receive loving care also recover faster than those who do not.
Amazingly enough, research has finally uncovered some things that our “Manufacturer’s Manual” has been telling us all along. It says: “Be not wise in your own eyes: fear the LORD and depart from evil - it shall be health to your body and nourishment to your bones . . . My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart - for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity.” (Proverbs 3)
Do you realize these Biblical words of advice were written more than 2500 years ago? There were no laboratories, no microscopes, no test-cases or control groups. Most of the people, if they thought about it at all, connected disease with evil spirits or fate, not with unsanitary conditions or BEHAVIOR. Life was short and scientific ignorance abounded.
Yet God tells them, and us, to be polite and gentle, kind to others, offering hope and encouragement, treating people as we would want them to treat us. As a result, we will not only please Him, but have a bonus of a fuller, healthier life.
While the Bible is not intended to be a medical journal, when it speaks about things concerning health, it is accurate because the men who wrote it were God-inspired. The Creator knows how we best function. Attitudes of aggression, fear, isolation, apathy, and hate are harmful to bodily performance and can bring breakdown-conditions, illness and even death. These findings today verify the dependability of God’s Word, and only affirm what the saints of old already knew.
Another product of the normal desire to be healthy, PREVENTION Magazine, recently contained an article that lists steps toward a healthy heart. Besides exercise, a low-cholesterol diet, etc., they said that researchers have found that the typical type-A person, hard-driving and ambitious, was not as prone to heart problems as was once thought. In fact, some Type-A’s were and some were not.
It was discovered that it’s not the hard work and constant activity that got a type-A into trouble but hostility! Furthermore, it is not merely being irritable that’s so dangerous, but rude, abrasive, cynical, vengeful, manipulative or condescending treatment of others. Evidently, research has found that hostility is deadly.
Another article was entitled, “Think Yourself Healthy.” It said that when a group of students were shown a film designed to inspire feelings of love and caring, an antibody that protects against colds and upper respiratory infections actually increased in their systems. When they were shown a film that evoked feelings of aggression or helplessness, their normal antibody level dropped.
It was also found from these studies (at Harvard) that higher intimacy, deeper friendships, and the state of being “in love” corresponded with higher levels of resistance to infection. People with pets or plants to care for recover from illnesses more quickly. People who receive loving care also recover faster than those who do not.
Amazingly enough, research has finally uncovered some things that our “Manufacturer’s Manual” has been telling us all along. It says: “Be not wise in your own eyes: fear the LORD and depart from evil - it shall be health to your body and nourishment to your bones . . . My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart - for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity.” (Proverbs 3)
Do you realize these Biblical words of advice were written more than 2500 years ago? There were no laboratories, no microscopes, no test-cases or control groups. Most of the people, if they thought about it at all, connected disease with evil spirits or fate, not with unsanitary conditions or BEHAVIOR. Life was short and scientific ignorance abounded.
Yet God tells them, and us, to be polite and gentle, kind to others, offering hope and encouragement, treating people as we would want them to treat us. As a result, we will not only please Him, but have a bonus of a fuller, healthier life.
While the Bible is not intended to be a medical journal, when it speaks about things concerning health, it is accurate because the men who wrote it were God-inspired. The Creator knows how we best function. Attitudes of aggression, fear, isolation, apathy, and hate are harmful to bodily performance and can bring breakdown-conditions, illness and even death. These findings today verify the dependability of God’s Word, and only affirm what the saints of old already knew.
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